What's holding me back?

The dream is to own my own studio and shoot portraits all day. To sit with people, drink coffee, and have them tell me their story while I photograph them. The air would be filled with sounds of jazz or maybe it's classical music. It might even be hip hop or country; It would be what ever I needed the mood to be or what the client would feel most at ease in. The space is nice and open with a lot of natural light, because that's how I prefer to shoot. I want beautiful, honest, raw images. Portraits of people that when you look at them, it gives you goosebumps. Portraits that when you look at them, it makes you wonder. Wonder, what that person's story is, and even though you may not know the story, you feel it. You feel it deep in your soul and it moves you. Fuck, I have goosebumps just thinking about it.

The studio would be attached to my home where the front yard would be the beautiful mountains of the Pacific North West. In the mornings I would disappear into the forest for trail runs, or cycle the paved roads up the mountain. I would be immersed in nature pulling inspiration from hundreds of years of history from trees that might have lived longer than the United States itself. The energy from the morning and being in the mountains would set the tone for the day and the shoot. It would get my mind right. The back yard would be the beaches of Southern California where I can lay in the sand in the afternoon and bask in the sun. Re-energizing my soul for the next day. At night I would sit by a bonfire and watch the sunset, the sunset would be so perfect that it ends the day beautifully.

So here's the question, what's holding me back? If that's the dream then why am I not pursuing it; or better yet, why am I not pursuing it hard enough? A side from maybe the location of this dream studio/home (I'm not sure such a place exists) everything else is totally achievable. Plenty of photographers have proven it. Again, what's holding me back? A couple of weeks ago I got an email from someone asking me if I would be interested in shooting their project for them. As a working photographer, that's what you want, to be commissioned for a job. As a "professional" photographer, you photograph for money. That's the only distinction from professional and amateur. One photographs for money and one photographs for the hobby. In my head, as I was reading this email, I was judging the project. I was judging the person wanting to hire me. Why? I have no solid answer for that, other than I was scared. But scared of what? Again, I have no answer. There is no answer because I am someone who prides themselves as fearless. I always do things I've never done before and I'm always down for what ever. So why was I not happy or grateful that someone wanted to hire me for a job? I've been hired in the past for odd end projects that's lead to more jobs or amazing experiences. So I can't pull on my past for the fear because my past has been all positive.

This again brings me to the question, what's holding me back. There has to be something deep down inside that I have yet to uncover. In my life I've had several epiphanies as they say. Realizations of why I am the way I am or do what I do, based on trauma from my past. I've uncovered why I date certain women, or why I watch certain movies. I understand who I am as a person, or maybe I thought I did.

This post has no end, at least not yet. What I will say is that I am self aware and acknowledge my opportunities. I do learn to work past the fears and the hesitation and to always push myself. So much so that the email I received is now a client. The work hasn't started, but the process has begun.